Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Subversive Indoctrination

No matter how hard one tries, the combination of background and attention spans can really screw up the way something is perceived.

These past 31 days I have been teaching my little minions about Christian doctrine and the beginning stories of the Old Testament. This includes the concept of sacrifice, salvation, and the offerings of little burnt lambs upon alters (as well as the reasons why we as Christians no longer do this, as Christ was offered as the ultimate sacrifice).

So, coupled with gory flashcards depicting such an alter with a lamb, I have been wording this all as- "They usually killed a lamb, and then put it on a fire they made on a pile of stones."

Somewhere in Super Girl's head, this got all twisted and tangled, as seen today when we reviewed the story of Noah and the Ark. I asked her, "What did Noah and his family do when they got out of the Ark?"

With a smile gleaming from her sunshiny little face, she said, "They made a cat fire!"

*Try to hide look of horror/ growing hilarity from face.* "They did what? Super Girl, what did they do?"

"Oh yeah. They um, they burned a whole bunch of cats. That made God happy."

Suddenly, I had to look really interested in the book. So interested in fact, that my face had to be hidden. I hate internally laughing- it gives me the hiccups. Note to self- really REALLY explain what is going on, before these kids go home and give their parents the impression that we are practicing some Lifetime Original version of the occult.

Saturday, October 14, 2006


Let's set the scene, shall we?

It is a Thursday morning. A carefully coiffed, spritzed-all-over-with-Designer-Imposters-perfume mother comes in with her child. Child looks dazed, and something about their faraway look seems familiar.

Mother scrapes child off at the door, and blissfully skips away, off to see her masseuse, or coffee club, or illicit lover, or whatever it is that some of these people are into.

Child begins to hallucinate- "They're coming to get me! THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME!!!" Ahh, yes. I remember now- this glazed-over look is that of someone on some major drugs. At Geneseo we called them Bio majors. With dread, I realize that this child is carrying some form of pestilence that will soon make my life revolve around laying on the bathroom floor and praying for quick death. I can kiss my weekend goodbye. As I pick up the phone to call Child's parents right the hell back here to pick up their kid and at least have the decency to share in these lovely germs, Child vomits a mixture of Dimatap and Lucky Charms all over my shoes.

It's gonna be a lovely winter...

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The Return of the Kindergarten Teacher

Dare I? Post so long after I last posted? Do I look at my old posts, which make me miss all of them- my angelic G. , my delinquently Quietly Instigating N.?

Here we are in Michigan. Due to the several hurdles put into place by the state of MI, it is taking forever and a lot of red tape and calling people who do not actually exist to try and get my MI teaching certificate.

In the meantime, I am now working as a Kindergarten teacher in a private Christian academy. They desperately needed me, and I desperately needed a job.

In a nutshell- I have only five students right now. This fact was significantly glossed over until I actually accepted the job. I am in a career twilight zone. My pay is also around the level of what illegal grape planters are making (and as someone who once worked at such a place, riding a tractor with illegal grape planters and popping a plant into the ground every time the little yellow paint line on that tractor wheel came around right along with them, I say this with some certainty.) There are also many other various nuisance type things, but let me introduce you to a new cast of characters:

Bored Girl- She is operating above everyone else, and in terms of behavior- is quite possibly better behaved than I am. I will recommend her as my substitute teacher in case of my absence.

Super Girl- This girl is so enthusiastic, it verges on not funny. Every suggestion or comment is greeted with cheers and the phrase, "GOOD idea, Ms. Clarateaches!!!" She's also pretty hyper, and sings in a super-high falsetto with a serious face. I love this child.

Confused Girl- This child is not on this planet. No matter what we are doing, her mind is somewhere else. We were in the middle of the Lord's Prayer today, and her eyes popped open, her prayerful hands unfolded, and she loudly announced, "I love making W's. They're my favorite." She loves to raise her hand to answer questions, but never really knows what to say when called on, so she has an answer that she has decided fits every situation.
Mrs. Clarateaches: "Confused, what is our pattern on the calendar this month?"
Confused Girl: "Jesus?"
Mrs. Clarateaches: "Confused, do you remember which of our five senses uses ears?"
Confused Girl: "Jesus?"
Sigh. Auditory processing delay? Head in the clouds? Future nun? Time will tell.

Very Young Boy- This lad is way too young for kindergarten. All my students are too young for the cut-off for public school (one more thing the Powers that Be did not tell me), but this boy in particular is not going to be five until February. He tries hard, but clearly has no idea why he is here, or why I keep pestering him about such inane things as writing his name or counting little bears, when all he wants to do is play.

Theological Boy- "TB" is a boy who is spoken to at home. TB is not afraid to postulate and query about many facets of the religious doctrine we work with every day. TB is a fun, arrogant little boy. So far, he's my only five year old.

So there we have it, folks. I'll save the hilarious adventures in "Chapel" for another day.