Friday, February 08, 2008

Bacillus Aroundus

Ah, germs. Back when I was teaching, I did several lessons on handwashing, germs, sickness, and anything else that could possibly induce compulsive handwashing in small children. You would too, if approximately 70% of your audience at any given time had their fingers in their noses. I heart kindergartners. I need to open my own academy.

Fast forward to the present. It's about zero degrees, and I despise the delicate balance of feeding, changing, bundling, and re-changing the baby just to get out and go somewhere, so the only time we actually escape is to retrieve food, and observe Michiganders in their natural habitat. Mr. Clarateaches is really the only one bringing foreign germs into the home.

Now, Mr. Clarateaches is an engineer, so it's not like he even interacts with a lot of people to begin with. As I've explained before, the brain fog rolls in and my eyes glaze over if he ever tries to explain what exactly he does, but the magical world of make-believe fills in the blanks. I imagine a large, cubicle-filled building with shiny corridors. And people in lab coats, standing and joking around a water cooler, telling the one about "101111001, 1010111, 10001101!" And all the rest of the engineers laughing adenoidally. Perhaps some taped-together glasses are involved. Oh, and whiteboards are everywhere, with lots of equations on them. And once in a while, one of the engineers will put dots in the middle of a couple of zeros to be hilarious, and the adenoidal laughter continues. They are a jokey bunch, these engineers. Nothing's more hilarious than a pair of boobs. Or, what they imagine boobs to look like.

So, someone with a child must have had a social interaction with my husband, because he came home with some sort of illness. It wasn't a very nice one, and during the evening, I decided to go to the store for some meds. Mr. Clarateaches is more apt to reach for the meds, instead of traveling my route of what he perceives as burning sage and chanting. After digging out my car, and packing up the perturbed baby, we headed into the night. I must not have purchased medicine in a while, because I had no idea that you get carded for Nyquil now. I can see suspicion involved if someone tries to buy a case at a time, but I am dying to know how I can MacGyver some meth out of a single bottle of Nyquil, some oranges, and the chocolate that was going to be the manna to get me through the night. I'm pretty sure I looked suspicious, too- wild hair, wearing a hands-y baby that was trying to give me a hickey, and a pair of jeans that had seen many infant excretions that day. Which had been lovingly licked by Lola, the Tom Green of dogs.

Fortunately, I was in the Express, Self-Service line that was manned by a truly pissed off teenage girl. When the screen flashed "Show Associate ID," she was able to simultaneously approve the transaction, signal to me that it was okay to proceed (by flashing me the middle finger), and continue to dream about how she was SO leaving this place, as soon as she could save enough money.

Wash your hands. Every germy, slimy one of ya. Stay AWAY from that so-called "Anti-bacterial" hand gel, hot soapy water is so much better than rubbing "hand sanitizer" on.


melissa said...


i kid you not: i told jared to read this post and he did and then immediately clicked on some black screen and began typing in 000's and 111's and informed me of what you had just written.

Clara said...

Did he in any way 'fess up to the dots in the zeroes?

melissa said...

bahahaha. no. he sort of made a "hmphf" noise, i think he was unamused by the sterotypes.
he also said that it was weird that you wrote two nine digit numbers and then an eight digit one. or something like that.

Lisa said...

HAHAHA - I had the worst nightmare last night! Zero one! Zero one! And I think I even saw a two!

Clara said...

I think it's even weirder that they all are odd numbers. I had a class in college where we had to decipher numbers that were written in zeroes and ones.

Tell Jared that I know many of the secrets of engineers, and geeks in general. I spent enough time observing them in their natural habitat and interacting with them at their lair (RIT) to be fully versed in the world of those who create impossible stero systems, play WoW, Snort and giggle when Maxim arrives in the mail, and throw killer parties where chicks drink free.

Oh, and everyone drinks free if Caveman mans the door.

gs said...

=I think it's even weirder that they all are odd numbers.=

Um... any binary number that ends in "1" is odd, just as any binary number that ends in "0" is even. The only "weird" thing is that you ended all three numbers with a "1".